Pete Rose Inducted Into Gamblers’ Hall of Fame!

By Jake

Pete Rose, the all-time Major League Baseball leader in hits, games played, at bats, and outs, after decades of waiting has finally been elected into the prestigious Gamblers’ Hall of Fame.

Continue Reading!

Woman’s Bestselling Memoir A Fake! / ALSO: A Special Offer – Buy My New Memoir!!

By Jake

Well, now appears as good a time as any for me to introduce my soon-to-be-released memoir “First Son of the Earth: A Life In Words.” Those familiar with this website are well-aware of my continuing struggle to break into the writing ‘biz. Well, my new memoir is what I think will push me over the top.

Continue Reading!

“American Idol” contestant actually America’s Most Wanted!!

By Jake

Fox’s hit reality show “American Idol” is a true ratings juggernaut. Already in its 7th season on prime time, the television program is so powerful that it has withstood some pretty serious scandals. Prior contestants have been involved in everything from pornography to drugs/alcohol to inappropriate relationships with the judges. Yet “American Idol” has weathered the storm and emerged unscathed. However, this week the biggest bombshell of all was dropped…

Continue Reading!

A Script Review!

By Jake

Over the past few weeks I have been taking an online screen writing workshop. One of my recent assignments was to write a script review. I was lucky enough to get my hands on this fantastic script. I know it’s a little controversial to “review” your own script, but I felt like my screenplay is the best I could possibly find. I hope you enjoy my fair and unbiased appraisal of this screenplay (and it’s author… me!):

Continue Reading!

My Top 5 Athlete Man-Crushes [Very Hetero]!

By Jake

Notice to Avoid Confusion: This is written by Jake, not Mark. It’s no secret that athletes are worshiped in our country. We live in a society that bows before celebrity and the idea of “being number one.” No profession encapsulates these ideals and gains the focus of an entire nation like that of Professional [...]

Continue Reading!

Giants Sign David Carr, All of Humanity Puzzled

By Jake

Grate Job, News, Sports Comments (6)

(Author’s Note: 14 Months ago my then-fiancée, Esmerelda, left me at the altar. She and NFL quarterback David Carr fled to Argentina to pursue a torrid love affair. I’ve been waiting to do a proper smear job on that guy for some time. Let it begin.)

The New York Giants have replaced the New England Patriots as the most arrogant team in the league by signing David Carr to a 1 year/1 million dollar deal. Biting their thumb at the rest of the NFL, the Giants have seemingly declared “we’re so good we can even win with this chump on our team!” David Carr is not only a bad football player, but a truly despicable human being.

One of the great cosmic mysteries of the universe is how David Carr has lasted in the NFL for 6 seasons. The former #1 overall NFL draft pick is the current #1 overall douche bag. No matter how bad the other team might be or how much the odds might be in his favor, David Carr always finds a way to help his team lose. The proud owner of 70 career interceptions, Carr’s brief career has been characterized by injuries, inconsistent play, and lingering rumors of his ties to the Taliban.

My Las Vegas bookie contact Vinny “Shifty” Coppelli (pictured below) informed me that the signing of David Carr lowers the odds of the Giants repeating as Super Bowl champions by as much as 97%. I really don’t have anything else to say about David Carr except (to steal a line from Mark Zupan) if he was on fire I wouldn’t piss on him to save his life.

Oh, and if you’re out there, Esmerelda… call me, baby. I miss talking. I think we can work this out…

Jake @ March 13, 2008