Satisfiction [Cartoon]!
By Mark
Words are ten times more fun to use when you make them up as you go along.
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Christmas Gift Guide 2K7
By Mark
Bloggo the Week!, General, The Main Event Comments (3)
Christmas is just around the corner, and that means that one of these days (not today or tomorrow, but soon) you will have to go get your christmas shopping done. I’ve prepared a gift guide for you to help out with this often difficult process. I’ve taken a look at the Amazon Top 10 Best Christmas Gifts for 2007 as reported by ‘Squidoo‘, who apparently are the source on all top 10 gift lists! Using my advanced consumeristic super powers, I’ll give you a much better option for each item as well as consumer secrets as to why it is ‘the perfect christmas gift’.
#10
Canon Digital Rebel XTi
This is the entry level digital SLR camera from Canon. I guess it is great for the photography enthusiast on a budget… but if you want to really impress someone I suggest:
A Real Cannon
This 18th century iron cannon has a 42″ barrel muzzle to cascabel, 5″ at the breech and a 2″ bore. What does the camera have? some CCD’s and an LCD… that is too many ‘CD’s and not enough breech and bore if you ask me! This cannon comes mounted on a carriage for ease of transport
#9
Hasbro 3-Foot Tall Robot Pony
Are you a girl? Then apparently you always wanted a pony. Now is your chance. This pony is limited in its function however. I would hope your dreams weren’t of having a pony that just moved around a little… I think you would rather have:
World Champion Equestrian Show Jumping Horse, Big Ben
Big Ben is quite likely the most successful horse in the history of show jumping. This liver chestnut Belgian Warmblood gelding won more than 40 grand prix titles. Big Ben has since been inducted into the Canadian Sports Hall of Fame, has had biographies written in his honor and has even been placed on a stamp. Big Ben put Lance Armstrong to shame after battling two colics and surviving a terrible trailer accident where two horses died, only two months later Big Ben won a show jumping grand prix. He’s the real deal, even if he’s been dead for 8 years. He can be found buried on a knoll in a farm in Perth, Ontario.
#8
Guitar Hero 3
I have this game, and any true fan of this site would have already read about it. It comes with a mini-Les Paul controller, which is pretty bad ass. However, if you are in the gift giving mood for the aspiring rockstar on your list, you can do better.
Sitar Hero
Be the next Ravi Shankar, at home, in front of your xbox with this killer game. Acceptable substitute: An actual sitar.
#7
The New Optimus Prime Transformer Doll
This is just sad. On one hand it is awesome like the old transformers toys, but this one does part of it for you! You can push buttons to have it transform on its own. Weak. Part of having the big optimus prime doll is that nobody else knows how to do the full transformation and when you do it everyone thinks you are the coolest guy in the world. If you want to capture that ‘make girls swoon‘ type effect now, for Christmas 2007, there is an easy substitute:
A Transformer
What says I love you more than a pair of inductors controlling your output voltage? These bad boys are in high demand this season, so order yours early.
#6
iPod Touch
The iPod touch is pretty bitchin. Its like a computer in your pocket. It goes on the internet and plays music without the hassle of dealing friends and family like you have to on the Touch’s bastard cousin, the iPhone. In the end though, you are just doing the same things you are doing right now… want to push buttons and look at a screen AND become a better person? Then maybe you should consider:
Speak & Spell
Spell Thieves’. Plural. Possessive. You are correct. Let’s spell ‘Best Present Ever’. This should be your first choice if you plan on getting that special somebody a tech gadget. Not only does it have a gigantic LCD screen (ladies love big LCD’s!), and tons of buttons that all have a very nice feeling resistive push to them, but also it has what most gadgets have forgotten about… a handle. How do you plan on carrying an iPod touch around? I don’t see anything to grab onto. Gotta go for the handle-carried gadget in 2007.
#5
Playstation 3
So you want to punish your child with a worthless video game console, eh? Well, the PS3 is a pretty good choice, but there is better:
Commodore Amiga CD32
Our old friend Commodore released this beauty in 1993 as the first 32-bit game system. The game quality is slightly better than the PS3, if not mostly for that incredibad controller and the fact that it says “32bit” in bigger letters than the actual name of the console. Commodore went bankrupt a month after this system’s debut. Notable games: Simon the Sorcerer and Diggers.
#4
Pleo Dinosaur
It’s a robot dinosaur that learns and grows (emotionally) over time. It explores its environment, interacts with you, and expresses its emotions. You know what else does all that and more?
An Actual Brontosaurus
Trick your friend into thinking this Brontosaurus wants to be his friend. It seems nice enough, everyone loves the gentle Brontosaurus! Little does your friend know, that his name technically isn’t really brontosaurus, but is instead Apatosaurus, which means ‘deceptive lizard‘ (pause). Very sneaky. In other neat news, this guy is assumed to have a bird-like avian respiratory system. Which means you can probably teach it to fly.
#3
Lego Mindstorms NXT
It’s a lego set with a little computer to control your lego robot. It can move and do stuff. Big whoop. Does it live in Japan and can it wrestle? These guys can:
Japanese Wrestling Robots
I think the video speaks for itself. Sweet moves. Punishing finishes. Batteries not included.
#2
Spinmaster Aquadoodle Draw N’ Doodle Mat, Draw with me
This thing lets you doodle with magic pens and the doodles dry and then disappear (with water in the mix). Sounds like a gigantic waste of time. Also, it requires adult supervision. You know what isn’t a waste of time and definitely doesn’t require adult supervision?
Throwing Knives
You are young, so you might as well master some sort of cheap cool trick while you can. Nobody is going to be impressed with your magical doodling skills, but you find me a girl who doesn’t megaswoon at the thought of having a knife thrown directly at her but just narrowly missing. Yeah, I thought so much.
#1
Nintendo Wii
I like my Wii, its pretty decent. Good fun with good friends. I assume you aren’t going for ‘just decent’ with your gift giving this year though. Come on, it is 2007. If there is ever a time to step it up, this is it. Forget the Wii, in 2007 you want Mark’s Official Gift of the Year…
The Vii
China has it all, from communism to Mt. Everest. It only makes sense that they have produced the Wii killer, the Vii. Some would call the Vii a Wii-knock-off, I would argue the opposite. Sure, the Vii is less powerful, has fewer games, and has no big name supporting characters (although Vario and Valuigi would have been appreciated). However it does have a little gem called Free Craps. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Wii Bowling. Don’t believe me? Check out this video! (or at least the first 20 seconds of it)
Don’t you just want to go fishing now!Well there you go, folks. I just made your jobs a lot easier. Now get shopping. Happy Birthday Jesus!On that note, I will be on hiatus over the next week. What kind of hiatus, you ask? I’m not sure, but most likely fewer awesome blog posts. Luckily I made this one extra awesome so you can read it over again later. While you are at it, read over all the old ones too. It will make you a better person. Guaranteed.
Mark @ December 20, 2007