Pete Rose Inducted Into Gamblers’ Hall of Fame!

By Jake

Pete Rose, the all-time Major League Baseball leader in hits, games played, at bats, and outs, after decades of waiting has finally been elected into the prestigious Gamblers’ Hall of Fame.

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100 Kirbies!

By Mark

100 Kirbies, One Poster. Life is good.

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Woman’s Bestselling Memoir A Fake! / ALSO: A Special Offer – Buy My New Memoir!!

By Jake

Well, now appears as good a time as any for me to introduce my soon-to-be-released memoir “First Son of the Earth: A Life In Words.” Those familiar with this website are well-aware of my continuing struggle to break into the writing ‘biz. Well, my new memoir is what I think will push me over the top.

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Will Arnett and Goats [Hot Sex & Tight Ropes]!

By Mark

Will Arnett’s sex tape is revealed. A goat with a monkey on it’s back walks a tight rope then stands on a cup. All in all, a great day for the internet!

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“American Idol” contestant actually America’s Most Wanted!!

By Jake

Fox’s hit reality show “American Idol” is a true ratings juggernaut. Already in its 7th season on prime time, the television program is so powerful that it has withstood some pretty serious scandals. Prior contestants have been involved in everything from pornography to drugs/alcohol to inappropriate relationships with the judges. Yet “American Idol” has weathered the storm and emerged unscathed. However, this week the biggest bombshell of all was dropped…

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Giants Sign David Carr, All of Humanity Puzzled

By Jake

Grate Job, News, Sports Comments (6)

(Author’s Note: 14 Months ago my then-fiancée, Esmerelda, left me at the altar. She and NFL quarterback David Carr fled to Argentina to pursue a torrid love affair. I’ve been waiting to do a proper smear job on that guy for some time. Let it begin.)

The New York Giants have replaced the New England Patriots as the most arrogant team in the league by signing David Carr to a 1 year/1 million dollar deal. Biting their thumb at the rest of the NFL, the Giants have seemingly declared “we’re so good we can even win with this chump on our team!” David Carr is not only a bad football player, but a truly despicable human being.

One of the great cosmic mysteries of the universe is how David Carr has lasted in the NFL for 6 seasons. The former #1 overall NFL draft pick is the current #1 overall douche bag. No matter how bad the other team might be or how much the odds might be in his favor, David Carr always finds a way to help his team lose. The proud owner of 70 career interceptions, Carr’s brief career has been characterized by injuries, inconsistent play, and lingering rumors of his ties to the Taliban.

My Las Vegas bookie contact Vinny “Shifty” Coppelli (pictured below) informed me that the signing of David Carr lowers the odds of the Giants repeating as Super Bowl champions by as much as 97%. I really don’t have anything else to say about David Carr except (to steal a line from Mark Zupan) if he was on fire I wouldn’t piss on him to save his life.

Oh, and if you’re out there, Esmerelda… call me, baby. I miss talking. I think we can work this out…

Jake @ March 13, 2008